The following folders were salvaged from Impact Site #█. These personal notes of the Crocker Corp. CEO detail the Persons of Interests throughout the history of the company. Those dated before 19██ were overseen by Betty Crocker herself, with those after overseen by Jake English. To ensure safety of classified information, the text displayed on this page is only summaries of the folders’ contents, recieve Level 10 Clearance from your Supervisor to view the original physical documents.

The James Brothers were among the first to come in contact with HIC, joining in on her massacre of a number of Confederate soldiers in the year 1863. She was impressed by their ability in assisting her, and soon they were employed to help HIC with integrating into human society. She took on the disguise of Zerelda James, their supposed mother, while she actually took them both on as lovers. She oversaw their criminal activity and managed a large gang of outlaws in the west, amassing a large fortune.

In 1873, a planned robbery on Engine ██, a passenger train in Iowa, went awry when the James Brothers were tricked by an older gentleman, a "southern type" drunken fool under the alias "Colonel Sassacre". James and Frank were both taken into custody. The James Brothers died while in jail, shortly after a visit from Zerelda. A report made by Deputy ████ describes the scene as "...a grotesque display of human brutality". Jesse’s severed head is not present at the scene and never found by the lawbringers.

After his performance onboard Engine ██, Mark Twain was forcefully entered into a partnership with HIC. They relocated to █████, Connecticut in 1881 with HIC under a new disguise, establishing the "Betty Crocker" brand with her criminal funds (an alias by which she will be referred to as for the duration of these documents). His skills as a charismatic entertainer and drunken grifter were proven invaluable to Crocker’s plans, and she used her corporate leverage to boost his career and fame. With time, Twain was corrupted by her utterly. He became the founding father of our company, Skaianet, which was originally used to launder Alternia tech to Earth to speed up human evolution for Crocker’s end-goals.

In 1910, after relocating to Crocker Manor in upstate New York, Twain was tasked with the retrieval of a baby girl, found inside of a dirty hat at the bottom of the ruins of the nearby Betty Crocker Factory. (A location filed as Impact Site ██, see Apophis Log ████ for further details). Eight days later another baby was discovered right outside of Crocker Manor (Impact Site ████, see Apophis Log ████). The baby boy was wielding two flintlock pistols, and shot Twain through the heart, killing him.

Harry Houdini was a skilled member of Fred Karno’s Army, an underground guild of lethally trained, extremely skilled slapstick performers. Membership was made up of orphans taken in and trained by Fred Karno, possibly funded by rival baking "Little Debbie" (believed to be an alias of ██████████ Jane). As a Vaudeville Assassin, Houdini would partake in numerous missions intended to sabotage Betty Crocker. Despite attempts to catch him in the act, he proved to be a slippery character, with an incredible ability to escape.

While managing to stay out of Crocker’s clutches, he would be killed in 1926 after a failed performance of his famous stomach punching trick. The volunteer is later identified as A█████ H█████, one of the very orphans that had been trained by Houdini alongside Charlie Chaplin and Stan Laurel.

Another deadly assassin belonging to Fred Karno’s Army, training under Houdini. He proved to be a major hindrance to all of Crocker’s plans throughout the 20th Century, sabotaging countless factories and planting numerous spies in her her staffing. After faking a heated argument with Stan Laurel, Chaplin successfully fools Jake English into believing Laurel has defected, planting him in a position to soon become Crocker’s right-hand man, as well as befriending Jake by abusing the Skaianet heir’s addiction to big hollywood stars.

This friendship blossoms and Chaplin becomes Jake’s lover throughout his young adult life. The relationship is abysmal, but Chaplin’s feelings get the best of him.

Decades later, long after their devastating breakup, and many wives later for Jake, they partake in a large-scale shootout in harsh jungle terrain. Jake’s current wife, █████ Anderson, whom he has a single son with, is killed. Chaplin wins by a landslide using his vaudeville training, armed to teeth with playing cards, pies, whoopee cushions, and a m1911 pistol.

Chaplin beats Jake’s unconscious body relentlessly with the power summoned by decades of mixed romantic feelings, when he’s interrupted by ██████████ Jane. After she [REDACTED], Chaplin leaves in tears. He shows mercy to Jake, but takes Jake’s son with him. Chaplin renames the son Harry, after his former master.

After a viewing "Putting Pants on Philip" in 1927, Crocker became obsessed with Oliver Hardy, becoming attracted to his clown-like comedy acts (records indicate Crocker emitting "powerfully loud, genuine laughter", but such a sound has never been otherwise recorded as coming from her). She immediately recruited both him and his co-star Stan Laurel (see below) into her service, the two of them becoming her most trusted allies (ironic, also see below). Hardy rarely saw field-work and was kept as primarily a sex slave to Crocker. He was ordered to keep making comedic films, keeping his connection to Crocker and the depression caused by her secret, until he hanged himself in 1957.

Laurel, as stated , was raised as part of Karno’s Army, under apprenticeship of Harry Houdini. After 1927, he acted as a double agent, becoming Crocker’s most trusted grunt, while relaying information back to his fellow vaudeville actors. His time with Crocker corrupted him however, and he formed a unrequited romantic connection with her, an obsession that eventually came in the way of his mission. Likewise, Jane Crocker began to form an infatuation with Laurel. After he is forced by Crocker to murder his former peer, A█████ H█████, he gives in to Jane, making love while H█████’s severed head was still decaying on the nearby table. Their romance doesn’t last, but Jane leaves Crocker Corp. and gives birth to their son.
Laurel is killed in 1965 by Chaplin’s apprentice Harry Anderson, bringing justice to his traitorous actions.

Einstein was recruited in secrecy, even to him, but his brilliant mind proved to be an invaluable resource to Crocker’s plans. While he was doing well on his own, she laundered her criminal funds through Skaianet to establish numerous Patent Offices and to deliver countless grants to Einstein for him to continue his research and spread his findings across the world. Through many covert techniques, including anonymous tips, complex setups to plant ideas (for example: E=mc2 came about after Crocker left numerous signs around his home bearing only the letter "E" to nudge him in the right direction), and various low-power hypnosis experiments (later used extensively by Crocker in Universe Alpha).

Through these methods, Crocker was successful in laundering Alternia tech to Earth, released piecemeal through the 20th century, slowly enough to appear natural. This technology was critical in allowing the software to be activated in 2009 for the test-trial universe to conclude, and her plans to properly take root in the made-from-scratch Universe Alpha. Einstein was never made aware of his part in the destruction of the world, and creation of a universe.

In the 1960s, Crocker began top-secret experimentation into cloning technology to create the perfect grunts for her use. After years of trial and error, a perfect human baby was created, taking DNA from Jesse James’ severed head (preserved in brine) and large jar containing several gallons of human ejaculate belonging to Oliver Hardy. Crocker named this baby boy after the heiress to her throne that she abandoned on Alternia: a Guy Feferi.

With this success, the project sped up, and numerous clones were created. A perfect Fieri Clone was elected Crocker’s perfect clone: Violent J. Laurel himself was used as a donor, along with H█████’s severed head, to create Shaggy 2 Dope, Violent J’s companion. Crocker always preferred to have two servants.

While her two most favorite clones would become the messiahs of her plans, and form the rap group The Insane Clown Posse to spread her views across the world, numerous other imperfect clones were taken by Laurel and planted across the world, to grow into influential individuals that were completely under Crocker’s control. An exact number is unknown, but potentially surpassed into hundreds of thousands of clones around the globe.

██████████ Jane was present upon Crocker’s immediate landing on Earth in the late 1800s. Her power was well beyond Crocker, given her [REDACTED] and alien █████████████████. Armed with a Winchester loaded with small white [REDACTED]. Later, she established Karno’s Army, a cult of vaudeville assassins, under the alias "Little Debbie" until the late 1900s before [REDACTED]. With her disappearance during Universe Alpha until [REDACTED]. Origins unknown. Possible parent to [DATA EXPUNGED].